Today I talked to a friend about writing for a little while, and at some point he casually mentioned that he dislikes working on deadlines because they interfere with his creative process. This took me by surprise and made me realize just how many of my processes -- creative and otherwise -- are shaped by my ADD. I haven't worked with deadlines for my creative work at all since college, and I responded to my friend's comment by wondering to myself, what must that be like?
Deadlines fuel my productivity almost exclusively, since the adrenaline, stress, and/or fear induced by an impending deadline stimulate production of the brain chemicals ADD people run short on. Without knowing others expect something from me on a specific timeline, I usually spin my wheels. Surprisingly to some, I don't discriminate between tedious projects and those I truly want to do for my own benefit and fulfillment. That is the essence of the ADD mind, though: prioritization and productivity independent of outside stress/stimulus is often virtually unheard of.
I'm glad to have had this conversation, though, because just last night I sat down to rework some old, old writing I thought I could make into something useful. After giving it some thought, I felt energized and eager to get working. That is, I felt that way until I actually set out to work. The blinking cursor taunted me, daring me to fill even one page, and I couldn't bring myself to get started.
The reality of my working style and needs add another dimension of challenges to my creative process. I struggle to apply myself, even (maybe especially) in arenas where skills come easily and naturally to me.
Knowing it's useless to fight an intrinsic part of who I am, I need to find a way to accept and work with it. I need to discover and use external motivators and get started on a major project I feel I can see through to completion. For starters, I really want to participate in National Novel Writing Month this year. Maybe I can even gather some friends to do it with me. But the concept of NaNoWriMo is nothing new to me. My dear friend Oli and I used to have "writing marathons" together in grade school, tearing through hours of timed writing and reading aloud. We just wrote and wrote, not stopping to edit or tear down our work, just creating and worrying about the finer details later. That's what I need to do now. I need to ask for support, find a few friends I can count on to share my struggles and triumphs and keep me honest about my commitments to myself.
No matter what, the way I work will not change. I will never, ever be able to say "I'd rather work without a deadline hanging over my head. I produce better final pieces that way." I just isn't true. My mind doesn't work that way. I need to figure out how I work best and what structure I can put in place to make sure I do right by myself and my craft.
